alone but not lonely.... well sometimes.

tent | Tumblr (clipped to polyvore.com)

Solitude has recently become a thing I crave. A time to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Listen to my choice in music. Catch up on my reading. Lay on my back looking at the ceiling or sky and ponder. I don't find solitude scary or lonely. Just another facet to being me, being human.

Being alone on the other hand, is something quite different. Something not to been chosen or controlled. It just is. I am not in a romantic relationship. Haven't been for some time. Is it lonely? Sometimes. Does it weigh on my heart? Occasionally. What normal sane girl doesn't get a little down when realizing she's not, at least not now, wanted by someone? I think it's perfectly normal. In those moments I find the loneliness is palpable. But "life is very short and there's not time for fussing...." I take a deep breath & carry on.

Last night I was asked about my "plight of aloneness." Asked how it made me feel, if I was coping alright, what it meant to me to be the "single sister." Asked to justify and provide reasoning to my acceptance of this situation. My answer was honest & calm. (As honest & calm as I was able to be when wanting to scream.)"I think I deserve something great. I feel I am worthy of a ground-shaking love story, & I'm willing to wait." I think I sounded convincing enough because the topic was soon dropped.

But, once again, it got my brain cogs a-turning. Wondering about where I am, both physically and mentally. I've come to many forks in the road & tread down paths I thought interesting, exciting, & right for me. Life dealt me this hand & I've been playing it the best I can. I don't need a backseat driver on my journey through life. The voices in my head are already a cacophony of ideas and suggestions. I don't need others to question my path. It's the one I've chosen, & I plan to see it through.

second star, a second time....

Man this grown-up thing is TOUGH!!! Being in free-lance production, one has to harden to take the blows of being unemployed. You can receive praise and accolades up the waz, but it don't mean squat if you ain't bringing in the bucks.... Which brings me back to my questioning my life path and choices.

I'm not happy in production. Not because it isn't challenging or interesting, but because I'm disappointed that I haven't REALLY tried for something I LOVE. I'm good at production work. It's fast and about problem solving. I've been able to travel and meet amazing, hard-working,love-to-play people. But I'm in not way PASSIONATE about it.

So I've decided to move. Come September (giving myself enough time to research, plan and uphold my obligations as Maid of Honor) I will be uprooting myself and replanting somewhere new. Somewhere the arts are coveted, not considered a means to, or sub-par version of Hollywood fame. Somewhere I can be in the Great Outdoors regularly for both work and play. Somewhere my peers are about a slower paced, albeit meaningful, dedicated existence. I'm ready to create my own life in a place of my own choosing.

And it's scaring the CRAP out of me. :)

second star to the right....

My parents call me Chochee-pan. (Chochee pronounced with the soft shhhhh.) They say I'm like the other Pan, never wanting to grow up. I guess I can say that's true. I've always been so happy embracing my "lost boy" and seeing the world through a child's eyes, with wonder and joy. But this weekend that mentality was tested in the most difficult way. An opportunity presented itself for me to take on a full-time youth musical director's position. Kids and the arts are two of the things I've always been most passionate about. Our world is facing so much turmoil and uncertainty, why not educate our children well and allow them to express and flourish in a creative way? In fact, I've had aspirations to start my own youth musical company eventually. So when I was asked if I would be interested, of course I said YES! and that I'd do some thinking and give an answer asap. Then I started to think about how far I have come, how hard I have worked in the past 18 months. I've built a resume, and a good rapport with multiple people and multiple companies, so is it really in my best interest to put that all on hold and go play for a year??? no.... no, it's not. :( Of course I then had reservations about the path I've chosen. Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? I'm I going the wrong way? Was this the road sign telling me to go back to what makes me happiest? Alas, over-reacting is something I am still learning to harness. ;) So I'm choosing to remain with my nose to the grind stone, buckling down, and being (gasp!) a grown-up. It wasn't an easy decision, but I know it's the right one.... *le sigh* I'll just have to gaze at the second star to the right from afar....

always looking out for number one

well, maybe not always. but recent events in and directly related to my personal life and relationships have emotionally slapped me in the face. people i consider closest to me are doing and saying things i strongly disagree with. does this mean we shouldn't be friends? not at all. it just means i need to remember that my mental and emotional health and stability are most important, and that i am no one's keeper. i can choose to be friends with whomever i please, but that is not a guarantee that they will think, act, speak, or live as i choose to. we may have common interests, even common goals, but our paths are our own, and i need to stay strong and maintain my own life's momentum. i am a carer by nature, and that quality has needed harnessing. i have been forcing myself to allow others to make their own mistakes, even if the potential consequences could be severely detrimental. life is a continuous journey of learning and understanding. these obstacles make me who i am and add truth and substance to my life.

delayed gratification....

I spent eight weeks in Abilene, Texas working on a new show. It was a long stretch. There was a love lost and lessons learned. Friendships forged and strengthened. Progress made personally and professionally.

And then it was over.

One of the strangest parts of life in production is after your time on a show is finished and the wait begins. Stories, pictures and memories have been shared, but the final product might not be anything you imagined! Thankfully it seems this is one that will prove to be a great end product.... Here's the sneak peek:

kiddos

Spending time with people younger than myself has been a constant thread in my life. I've been a classroom assistant, counselor at the Y, group leader at an outdoor science school, and spent nearly six years teaching music with the Young Americans....
But nothing has come close to the experience I've shared with the kiddos in Belasco Theatre Company. Children 8 to 18 work for a few months to share their joy in performance, and I am the luckiest, getting to fill the position of assistant director. Now teaching, the instruction of song, dance, and performance, has always been a passion, but it is what happens between the notes, between the steps, which keeps me coming back. I love my kids. And I call them MY kids because we're now connected by shared interests and experiences. They ask me about the show, they ask me about their staging and notes, but they also come to me as a mentor, a trusted adult figure. I've been consulted for advice on prom dates, audition songs, family dramas, and friends' depression. Now I'm not saying this to get a pat on the back, far from it. I don't think it's any kind of magic that these kids confide in me. I think it's for the simple fact that I LISTEN. And I make sure they know I'm there to listen. Kids are pretty simple creatures, but so often as adults we blame exterior influences when unable to connect or understand them. Wake up call, folks, we were kids once, too!!! Perhaps it's the fact that I struggled with depression, I longed to be accepted, and I had a passion for performance that I connect with these kids in particular, but I think every one of us is capable of reaching out and helping at least one child. In this world of fast paced, constant stimulating technology, I think one of the greatest gifts we can give is time spent with a child. Whether they're 8 or 18, each of them has thoughts, needs, hopes and dreams they long to express. So if you have the means, REACH OUT! You may be surprised how easy and rewarding it can be!

At the root of it all....going back to my roots.

I sit at a table surrounded my women. I have known some of them for nearly a decade. By nature, I have always been a bit of a tomboy. I feel more comfortable in the company of dudes. Easy going, casual, and drama free…. I relate to that.

But tonight something profound happened. I found myself bonded to this group of women by shared experiences, common beliefs, and similar passions and goals. An experience of female strength I have lacked in other facets of my life. These remarkable ladies have seen me at my highest high and lowest low, and continue to love me completely all the same.

I think that is a feeling I have lacked, or missed, in the past year. The knowledge of a relaxed bond with the same gender is something I have taken for granted, and almost forgotten. But it isn’t being of the same gender which bonds us. It’s our love of music and dance, strength in faith and spirituality, humor and giving nature. We talked about poetry, love, hurt, growth and desires. Where we have been, are now, and where we’d like to be are all parallel and those tracks of life continue to cross and run side by side, building momentum.

Tonight I am grateful for my fellow woman. I've gone back to my roots and they are strong and deeply seeded.

I am blessed.